Her husband's growing detachment led the couple to marriage counselling, where her husband's secret never emerged.
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Their loss of security and isolation in the closet led most to question, 'Why me? What did I do to deserve this?'" Grever felt victimised, confused and hurt when her husband "came out" and left her after 30 years of marriage.Īlison had felt herself fighting for her marriage for several years before the revelation.
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"Virtually all the \ women I interviewed agreed that their situation was grossly unfair. "I feel it would help me to meet women in similar situations to mine," she says.įeelings of disorientation, physical distress and internalised rage are common among women whose husbands come out, according to Carol Grever's book, My Husband is Gay: A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Crisis. The US has a strong support network for straight spouses of homosexuals and Alison searched for something similar in the Republic without success. Now I want to move beyond it but I don't know how," says Alison, who is still coming to terms with the trauma, two years afterwards. At first, I kept thinking I could knock some sense into him, or that I would wake up one morning and it would all have been a bad dream. It's a feeling of disorientation and unreality - almost madness. What did my marriage vows mean? I have often felt like the figure in Edvard Munch's painting, The Scream. "I've been put in the position of having lived a lie. I even rationalised it to myself, thinking, 'if I go, he'll have to be there for the kids'," she says. But I was going crazy and was very depressed. "He had a new identity through his sexuality. If it's sad for him, it's nothing to the pain and grief it's caused to the rest of us."Īlison's reaction to her husband's admission was visceral - she felt out of control, rapidly lost weight, had difficulty sleeping and suffered panic and anxiety. I would have no difficulty if one of my children was gay, but I do have a difficulty with a man telling me after 20 years of marriage that he is gay, that we lived a lie. "You're afraid people will think there's something wrong with you. "You feel isolation, stigma and shame," says Alison. As she describes it: "He was out of the closet, and we went in." When Alison* heard her husband utter these words, her life and her children's lives imploded. All rights reserved.What do you do when your husband of 20 years tells you he is gay and you feel you have been living a lie? How do your children cope? This 'unusual but not uncommon' situation is made all the harder because, unlike in the US, there is little support here for the straight spouses of homosexualsįour children, 20 years of marriage and then the bombshell: "I'm gay". reserves the right to make additions, deletions, or modification to the contents on the Website at any time without prior notice.Ĭopyright © 2013-2022. In no event shall be liable for any special, direct, indirect, consequential, or incidental damages or any damages whatsoever, whether in an action of contract, negligence or other tort, arising out of or in connection with the use of the Website or the contents of the Website. Accordingly, to the extent permitted by applicable law, we exclude all express or implied warranties, terms and conditions including, but not limited to, implied warranties of content, fitness for a particular purpose, and non-infringement. Terms of service: You agree that you are making use of our services at your own risk, and that they are being provided to you on an "AS IS" and "AS AVAILABLE" basis.
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